This past week our ministry hosts here at Impact Africa took us on a men’s hunting trip. The guys of our squad, the male interns, and the men from the 11n11 world race team got to go with us.

While sitting in the back of an old Toyota Land Cruiser truck in the middle of South Africa, I remembered back to my childhood. My dad would take me and my brother down to the woods behind our house to teach us how to shoot and carry guns. We would learn to clean a gun and compete at shooting a piece of paper that would wind up in too many pieces to recall who got the best shot. It’s one of my favorite memories with my father.

We were out hunting and camping for three days. Day one, we got a wildebeest and an impala and the smiles of the guys who got them were ear to ear. This just got me more excited for the 4:30 am wake up call for day two. The morning rolls around and we arise to the sun peaking over the mountain tops, we were in Gods country. We hopped on the truck and headed out for that nights dinner, blood rushing and eyes fixed on the early morning horizon line for any movement.

After a few hours, a guy named Lyle had the first kill of the day, a wildebeest. This gets your heart going faster and you start itching for a kill for yourself. About one hour rolls around and we hear shots in the distance, Alex just got one of his own, another wildebeest from a good deal away. Two down and now the adrenaline is real.

After lunch, Seamus (an intern at Impact) went out in search for a Kudu...a beautiful animal. We tracked one down, he held his breath, then the shot rang out. He got him, a beautiful trophy kudu. It was looking out to be a great day of shooting, no misses and plenty of meat.

We celebrated shortly and headed back out. Now it was Ryan’s turn, an employee at Impact who looks as if he could be straight out of the marines. We drove a bit and saw one far off, we slowed the car and Ryan prepped his shot. He got it. Our third wildebeest of the day.

One of our leaders, Mason, asked us who was next and I felt it, this was my time. It was now around five in the afternoon, I had the gun in hand and was ready to shoot anything my eyes fixed upon. We took off in confident pursuit of another pack of wildebeest. We saw a stampede start to slow, but my heart did just the opposite. They were far off, but I placed the gun on the truck mount and scoped them in my sights.

This was it, I was about to get my first kill while hunting in South Africa!

I held my breath and slowly pulled the trigger. A hit. I didn’t drop it, so the chase began. Our spotter George saw where the pack had been and saw a trail of blood. We tracked the blood trail for nearly an hour, with hope slowly dwindling. The blood on the trail started to become harder and harder to see until the drops seemingly vanished upon the African red-dirt. We lost it.

The all consuming rush of masculinity that I saw the other guys experience was not what I was feeling. It felt as if the half tank of masculinity I had just prepared to fill, had just been tipped over and emptied out completely. That did not make me feel like a “manly man.”

After coming up empty on the search, Mason pulled me aside as we waited for the Land Cruiser to retrieve us. He spoke some of the most impactful words I’ve heard since being on the race. (In the thickest southern accent)

“Ya know Drew, all this huntin’ and eatin’ meat is definitely fun and makes a man feel something deep within. But what makes a man isn’t what you kill, but how you carry yourself. And the way you’re carrying yourself when it ain’t goin’ you’re way says a lot about you man.”

Going into this trip, we were going to do manly things like shooting guns, driving on dirt roads, and roughing it in the middle of nowhere. The manly things that were taught, were about what’s within us and revealing us to our natural wiring. Fighting for the kingdom, leading as a man, and growing in what we were designed to be.

I am a man after Gods own heart. A mighty man of God.